specks, logs, and plagerism...

You really should clarify it. People are going to get the wrong impression of you, she cautiously warned me. She raised her left eyebrow, pursed her lips, and nodded to affirm her own statement. The office secretary and I have a sisterly relationship and she always has my best interests in mind. I thought long and hard about my previous blog post and said to myself, Maybe I was too honest, too open, too transparent. But my entire life I've lived trying to give people an impression that I'm holier than I am, healthier than I am, happier than I am. But I'm not. I'm a broken person who is in a transformation process, searching the good Lord for His will and answers for my life.

I mentioned that I was caught for plagiarism in college, but here's the full story:

Whittier College hired the W.O.R.S.T adjunct professor the Art History department ever seen. She was horribly disorganized, read books with commentary as her own lecture, and at times she even looked like she was going to fall asleep in the middle of her lectures. In addition to this, she breathed funny.

The entire semester I saw students skip class, download term papers from the internet, sleep in class, and even walk out during group discussion. I cringed knowing that I was paying $378 per class lecture while members from the lacrosse team who had taken the class the previous semester gave their term papers to their teammates to resubmit and they received stellar grades. I was appalled. In short, I felt like I was the only one not cheating and the only one struggling to get this professor to find my work worthy of an A. It was the final term paper and I needed to nail it to get an A in the course. Four people downloaded entire essays from the internet, three people used finals from the previous semester, and two people bought essays from other students. I had studied, I had researched, I had done the work... except I needed a knock-out introduction and thesis which just so happened to be on an essay I found online. So I used it. And I was caught. And my entire academic career was obliterated in one conversation with the Dean of Academics. I was devastated and humiliated and because of one stupid decision I could not graduate summa cum laude, magma cum laude, or even cum laude. Poof! My hopes disappeared.

I wanted to drag my classmates under the bus with me! I wanted to drop dime on everyone! If I was going to go down, so would everyone else! I only copied one paragraph, they copied entire papers for the entire semester. But I said nothing because cheating is cheating, copying is copying, and sin is sin. Yesterday I was reminded of this while reading a book on leadership. Matthew 7:3 reminded me that I am not to be a hypocrite:

³"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

So this is me. I have specks (and logs) in my eyes, I walk with a limp (not because of my short leg), and I'm broken but beautiful because God uses perforated people to do the impossible. Before we start calling people out on their "big" sins of adultery, drunkenness, and idolatry, remember that cheating is cheating, copying is copying, and sin is sin. Specks, logs, sex, lies... it's all the same. All we can do is admit it and ask for forgiveness.

biancaology...

My life is normal. I go to work, eat with friends, read, hit the gym, wash, rinse, repeat. I never said it was uberfabulous but it's my life and I like it... most of the time. But for some reason I've been meeting girls who read the blog and are shocked to discover that I'm normal. No really, they use that word specifically. My response is stuck somewhere in purgatory. Like it doesn't know if it's good or bad so I reply with, Uh, thanks?

Now that the summer is slowing down and speaking events are tapering, I am ready to embrace normalcy and love my life. For those that don't know me, here are some tidbits of information that are useful only in a demented game of Biancaology. And really, it's a boring game so don't bother playing it.

I'm quite boring.

I saved a life once.

I think that I'm normal.

I wear heels four days a week.

I'm 5'3'' but my licence says I'm 5'5''.

I can eat peanut butter out of the jar.

I'm a fierce competitor and I'll cheat to win.

I have brown hair, but I've always wanted red.

I'm a amazing bargain shopper but won't share my secrets.

I like to dress up because I never want to be thought of as poor.

I want to grow up and work from home in my underwear everyday.

I plagiarized an art history term paper in undergrad and got caught by my teacher.

I have long eyelashes but like wearing fake lashes to be extra fabulous when I need to be.

I have inner monologues with myself in third person (No you don't, Bianca, you don't).

I hate cleaning my room so I'll throw a pile in my closet and pretend it's not there.

I use self-deprecation as a form of motivation which wigs people out.

I love saying I do yoga more than I actually like doing yoga.

I love working-out until I feel like I'm are going to faint.

I love my Dad more than any other person in my family.

I have some the greatest friends in the whole world.

I binge eat in secret when I'm having a bad day.

I have one leg that is longer than the other.

I brush my teeth religiously.

I read my Bible everyday.

I don't dream.

I hope.

matador...

You were like a bullfighter, she said in her accented English. For the past six weeks you have baited and courted listeners to dive at danger and avoid getting hurt. And last night you gently pierced us to the heart. My aunt called me this morning to encourage me in the only way she knows how: through analogy. Analogies are how my family communicates best because we are visual learners and story-tellers. Though language barriers and generational differences caused blurred biblical explanations, my auntie supported me and believed in me like a fan cheering in a bullfight for six continuous weeks.

Her phone call reminded me that two years ago I saw a real bullfight in Madrid, Spain and I left the stadium sick to my stomach and in desperate need of paella (it was actually my excuse just to eat paella but don't tell anyone). It was the worst experience ever. But I left happy because I got to scream Ole! as the bull charged the matador with fury. I even bought the famous red shirt with the black bull on it. What can I say? I'm a tacky tourist who wears cheesy shirts and orders paella at every meal.

In her simplicity, my aunt reminded me that sin, like a raging bull, is dangerous and deadly. We are called to be like a matador, gentle as a dove yet wise as a serpent (Matthew 10:16), and kill sin thoroughly. It's an ugly and horrific experience, but when completed we can stand and scream Ole! To download last night's vodcast, click here. It'll be posted by 3PM pst. For more on killing sin, check out John Piper's devotional here.

Ole!

my crush...

I make no qualms about the crushes I develop because they are spiritual crushes. Yes, spiritual. For instance, I can have a huge crush on Hudson Taylor because he was strong, brave, smart, daring... and dead. I have can a crush on John Calvin because he's relentless, bold, wise, dutiful... and dead. But anyone who is anyone knows that my not-so-secret crush is Paul the Apostle who is brilliant, verbose, theologically sound, loves to travel, heals people from the dead, can survive a ship wreck and prison and, coincidentally, is dead. I somehow will manage to squeeze a scripture in from one of his written works in every study. Every. Study. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed or carnal because really, they're dead so put your stones away and remove the scarlet letter from my chest. I'm still holy ;)

I am moved to my core when I read his works and today was no exception in light of my fumbling through what I am going to say tonight. I was encouraged this morning during my devotions and was affirmed that if I was alive during the times of Paul, he'd love me. No really, he would love me. I'd make him. We're totally alike in so many things and if I'd ask him to wear the same Hawaiian print outfit out in public, he would. He'd totally would. We're that alike.

In the book of Acts Paul is writing his farewell letter to a group of people he knows he'll never see again. Because he's WAY smarter than I, I'll just quote him on this matter and say that I made it up. But it's totally okay because boyfriends let girlfriends do that ;)

¹⁹I served the Lord with great humility and with tears... ²⁰You know that I have not hesitated to preach anything that would be helpful to you but have taught you publicly... ²¹I have declared to both Jews and Greeks that they must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus. ²⁴However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. ²⁷For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. [Acts 20: 19a, 20a, 21, 24, 27]

For those that have joined me on this journey, thanks so much for your commitment. For those that can care less and think I'm lame, be careful because my boyfriend can beat you up then heal you instantaneously. So there. If you want to join in for the last study on laziness, click here at 7PM (pst).

live like you're dying...

I'm sitting at my desk preparing for the last Se7en Deadly Sins study and I'm stressing out. The kind of stress that makes you break out in a cold sweat (or hot flash if you're menopausal)... the kind of stress that makes you wish you had another week to prepare... the kind of stress that keeps the people at Proactiv in business. The reason for this stress is that it is my last study, so what are my parting words going to be?

My goal each day is to live like I'm dying. Sound morbid? It's not. If I die today, I would regret not telling [insert name here] I loved them. If I died today I would regret not eating the Godiva chocolate covered strawberry given to me. If I died today I would regret not hugging my little sister even though she habitually steals my clothes. If I die on Wednesday, what should I tell the hundreds of women I speak to tomorrow? What could I say that would move them to live a life worth living? Live like you're dying!

Shakespeare in his wisdom had it right, To be or not to be, that is the question. How do we be? How do we take Sunday morning studies and turn them into Monday morning living? That is the question. I'm trying to figure out the answer :) I'll be the frazzled one at Starbucks at the Block with a pink MacBook, water, and my bible trying to figured out how to BE.

ashes, God, and project runway...

I grew up poor which forced me to be resourceful. Sell lemonade in the winter, cut neighbors lawns so I could utilize their pool, and regift gifts at holidays (regifting is when you take something you already own and wrap it like it's new). As a poor kid I had to work miracles in my closet as well. I wanted to be the Diane Von Furstenburg of clothes from thrift stores, clearance racks, or bargain bins. It was tough! I tried looking fabulous, but it always ended up up fabuLESS. It’s tough to create miracles and I’m a firm believer that Jesus and the designers from Project Runway are the only ones who can do it successfully.

I’m not one for television, but there is a reality show where fashion designers are given junk and asked to create something fabulous (aka create a miracle). As a viewer, you look at the pile of scrap and think, There’s NO way anything good is going to come from that. But 60 minutes later a gown made of coffee filters takes my breath away, a dress made of strawberry baskets and twine looks like the cover of a fashion magazine, or a blazer made of rubber tires and safety belts makes me drool.

Yes, what they do is difficult and we laud them, applaud them, congratulate them. But what God does is impossible. See, He takes nothing and makes something. But not just something, He makes something beautiful! Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum, and Michael Kors extol the artistry created, but who created the materials they used? Even more, who created beauty?

We are told in Isaiah 61 that God takes ashes and creates beauty (Is. 61:3). No matter how talented these designers are, they wouldn’t be able to take ash, remnants of nothing, and create something. They can do the difficult, but they can't do the impossible. Even if YOU feel like nothing more than ash, God can take you and create beauty. Why? Because this is the message of the gospel. God will restore the years gone (Joel 2:25) and make all things new (Revelation 21:5) because we are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Thanks to all the women who came out last night! I had a blast meeting new friends and being welcomed by old one :) Christina, thanks for being part of this blog! Evette, you win the TRAVEL award! Two hours and ten minutes is worth a shout out and some blog love :)

six degrees of separation...

Six degrees of separation refers to the idea that if a person is one step away from each person they know and two steps away from each person who is known by one of the people they know, that everyone is at most six steps away from any other person on the earth. I've always wanted to know how I was connected to a Tibetan monk or Italian clothing designer, but I'm content just to be connected to my own family and anyone else is just a bonus.

Bonus: Two weeks ago at the Se7en Deadly Sins series I'm teaching, we had Dominic Balli join us for worship and it pretty much rocked the house. His dreadlocks swayed back and forth as he sang praises in reggae melodies and rock harmonies. Let's just say that Bob Marley ain't got nothing on this guy!

Rewind: Several months ago a pastor's wife from Lake Arrowhead contacted me to share at a women's event she hosts annually. I was honored that she, never having me heard share, would invite me to the church. When I asked how she heard about me she said, My daughter heard you teach at a retreat in Big Bear this past winter and she told me I HAD to have you come out. I laughed to hide my embarrassment and the wave of nerves that rolled over me. We found a date and moved forward with planning.

Today I made the connection after several months of correspondence. (What? I'm slow, okay?) Dominic was invited to do worship for the Reality retreat in January. Dominic (from Santa Barbara) invited his sister (from Lake Arrowhead) to check out the worship. Dominic's sister went home to tell her mom about me. Mom is the pastor's wife who called to invite me. So crazy, right? Six degrees of separation has come full circle in sharing God's word with people I don't know. If you live or are near the Lake Arrowhead area, join us tonight for Liberty and Lettuce Wraps at 6:30PM. If you can't make it out, please pray for me! Lordy knows I need it ;)

naan of your business...

Today I had lunch in Orange County with two friends because a work meeting fell through. I was so frustrated that I had to trek across three freeways only to miss my appointment but connecting with old friends and devouring Indian cuisine was a great compensation prize. We discussed life, love, and dreams over naan, curry, and veggie samosas. Because I'm such an non-humorous dork, I actually tried to use some preplanned wit and incorporate naan (bread-like deliciousness) into conversation.

I don't want naanthing to drink, thank you.

Well, it's naan of your business.

When the bill comes I will have naan of you chip in.

My attempt to use my wit and charm thankfully didn't come to fruition and I'm sure my lunch companions were happy. But I will say this, I have naanthing to write about today because work is naanthing but stressful. If you caught last night's message, 1. sorry for crying a bit (super sensitive topic), and 2. apparently hot rollers do naanthing for my hair because I looked like a hot mess last night. I'm sure you'll forgive me for both of those mishaps! If you didn't catch my naan-hot hair, your can check it out here and get a study on gluttony too ;)