Thursday, April 1, 2010

because it's my blog...

I need to write this out. I need to remember these feelings. I need to wrestle through the little and big things in my life. I need to chronicle this journey because if I don't know where I've come from, I will not know where I'm going.

Last week I had a breakdown in my office. No one knew, no one saw, no one needed to find out. It was just me. In my office. Alone. In a moment of pounding stress, I lost it. I literally spoke out loud to God [like a crazy lady from Venice beach with her 85 cats] and asked the questions every 20-something asks:
What am I doing? Where am I going? What do you want from me?

You would think I have this whole thing figured out. But I don't. As a ControlFreak who loves having my Garmin spurt out turn-by-turn directions, I want God to do the same. Because honestly, I'm going full steam ahead into pitch black darkness.

My life is unglamorous. I wake up at 4:45am to workout, blog, and spend time with God. Then I shower, put on heels, pack a lunch, sit in traffic, send 1,395,982,507 emails from my small office covered with post-it notes, sit in traffic again, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm wondering if what I'm doing is what God wants me to do.

Then I remembered the words I shared with Maxine over bread at dinner: So what? Just do it! Sometimes I give really good advice. It would be nice if I listened to myself. In those moments I know it's not ME, but the spirit of the Lord who is within me to share Truths.

As Public Relations & Media coordinator, I'm in the midst of launching our new church website, copy writing, planning Passion Week, facilitating our guest speakers and guest bands, oh yeah, annnnnd trying to study for Saturday's speaking event [which is bubbling over with whispers of people who are bothered that I'm speaking... so hurtful]. In addition to this I still don't have a dress to wear for Easter!

So this is me--broken and wounded. But I'm still the girl ambitious enough to think the world can change through the love and leading of Jesus Christ. My greatest desire is to round up ordinary people and have God transform us into fearless, EXTRAordinary leaders who want to save the world.
Yes, I will provide the capes.

Thank you for listening and loving me through this journey,
:B

45 comments:

Jenn Van Wyk said...

Wow, thanks for being so honest. What you said is in my heart as well, I think we all go through this! It's comforting, yet uncomfortable to know that God keeps poking us to do better! Thanks for inspiration!

christy said...

I love it that you let us know u r no different than the rest of us who have melt downs and that you have the same questions we do....anyway, u r doing an awesome job and i appreciate the time u take from your busy days to spend with us blog readers...God is doing amazing things thru you!!!

LaShorne said...

Bianca...you are more than a conqueror through Christ Jesus! You are so authentic, so inspiring, so real, so transparent, so RAW... You make the Father smile and me! You are totally full out throttle whole-heartedly BIANCA... the person that Potter formed you to be! I'm excited about your life and God's ministry through you. Continue to be the Rebel with a CAUSE! He will silence the naysayers... He will strengthen you when you seem weak... He will bring you encouragement when you feel down... He will continue to fill you to overflow because you continue to pour yourself out to others. I'm sending love and prayer your way! Thanks for all you do my sister!

Beth said...

I think it is amazing that you are still speaking on Sunday despite all the negativity thrown at you. That just proves your heart - to serve God not people. I hope that the experience is amazing for you as you're used by God on Sunday xx

Lindsay said...

Thank you for being so honest and open and vulnerable and real. God is doing great things in and through you. Looking forward to seeing pictures of the capes!!! :)

jessicamichelle said...

As someone coming out of the worst year (ish) of my life, these words are really encouraging and they really speak. I am also an advice-giver and a terrible advice-taker. I feel your pain.

Also, I'm sure God will speak through you despite the whispers of others and I will definitely be praying for you and know that God will use you to reach someone...or multiple someones... :) God bless!

amyeneal said...

Be encouraged today! Know that many people are praying for you as you share those gut feelings. I 100% relate to this post as we (me and my husband) deal with this on a daily basis! Praying for you...

Jordanna McGovern said...

I love your heart, Bianca. Thank you for your honesty and being vulnerable. Just speaking it is an example. I'm really proud of you for speaking this weekend. I know people will be blessed. I guess that's how we know we're following the Lord - when we are persecuted. You are an encouragement to us all.

EM2120 said...

Thanks for pouring your heart out. You are real you are loved most important you are His :D
Praying for you and looking forward to hearing you speak on Saturday.
Hugs & blessings!

Ginette said...

Reading this hits home for a lot of us, for me definitely. This has been a question I have been thinking about for 2 years....where am I going, what am I doing? I TOO am a control freak. I laughed when I read your story because I have a similar one.

Not more then two weeks ago I sat in my bible study (a group of "seasoned", pepper and salt haired women) and shared my thoughts. They all laughed and said, "I remember going through that!". I gave a breath of relief. Apparently this is something we "20 somethings" do!

More importantly though is this truth I heard regarding this, and i want to share with you. I have been studying "Pride" and really learning how to deal with it in my own life, and how to Glorify GOD in ALL THINGS. In my study of this I read a great Christian leader share these words, "God doesn't always show us where we are going, what we are doing and who we are effecting, because He wants to protect us from our own pride, and really HE wants the GLORY."

So that is my thought I wanted to share with you. Take joy in the dark road ahead, the fact that you don't know what you are doing or where you are going, or who you are reaching, because that means in it GOD at work IN you.

God Bless to you B. May you have the PEACE about your life...the peace that transcends all understanding.

Kayla said...

B, I feel like this all.the.time. Like what is the purpose of all this!? But then I just keep doing it cause wherever God has me is where I want to be and cause life is FUN and I'd rather just love this crazy journey.
You're the best! 2 week countdown :)
xo K

Nayi said...

bianca... so funny that you mentioned that because just yesterday I was telling one of my sisters in the Lord after church "please pray for bianca because she wrote on her blog that she was speaking on Sat. and what an honor and privilege that must be for her"... so believe me you have many people praying for you. And all you do is not in vain in the Lord...
love ya

Jason said...

Those questions don't end when you leave your 20s, my dear. I'm almost 40 and still asking them!

Honestly B...(can I call you B?)...you're doing just fine. The moment you stop asking questions means you've lost sight of the awe inspiring nature of God. Look at John Piper...in the midst of doing what he knew God was calling him to do he kept asking questions about himself, his walk, his marriage and changed course.

Your humble quest for life in God inspires so many. Keep it up. :)

Bianca said...

WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW?!?! I'm a prototypical female with stereotype tendencies, I guess :)

Thank you for letting me sharing the funk I'm in! I appreciate your prayers SO much.

Also, pray I don't cry while speaking on Saturday. The last thing we need is a weeping woman lose it in front of the church body! Eeeeek. I'm scared.

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

Buck up lil camper...you're on your journey and I'm confident that the Lord is using you in ways that you don't even know about. You're making an impact for the Kingdom and changing lives. Let go of the Garmin and enjoy the scenery for a bit.

Big hugs...

Tina said...

I loved this post - it's so refreshing when people can be candid and honest - that's why I keep coming back to your blog - you're REAL, and that's what I like about it:) It's also nice to know everyone feels overwhelmed and stressed - cause I'm totally feeling 'ya on that one right now! Good luck on Saturday, you'll be great!!

Lisa L. said...

Hey girl. <3
I'm truly so blessed by reading your blog girl, AND I WILL BE THERE ON SATURDAY to support and be praying for you. God's using youuuuuuuuuu to touch lives this Easter and that's such a blessing. And whether people talk smack, you only do this for the King.

" But I'm still the girl ambitious enough to think the world can change through the love and leading of Jesus Christ."

YOU'RE NOT ALONE, B. I believe so too.

I got my cape ready (bejeweled&everything.) hehe.


Take care. God bless. <3 Jesus loves you. As a sister in the Lord, I LOVE YOU.

Melinda said...

Me, Earl and all of Shachah and the band wives, babies and fiances are SO excited to hear YOU speak, to hear the LORD speak through you on Saturday.

We love you!

Melinda said...

And if you want, I'll cry for you on Saturday. I do it for other people. Just say the word and I can supply the tears. That way your make-up will still look fine and all :)

wranglerdani said...

Thanks for charing... honesty is encouragement, because we've all been there. :)

Cindy A. said...

Bianca! The battle is already won, my dear! We are victorious because He who is in us has fought the battles and won the war!

"Be who you is B, be who you is."

Cry, eat the cupcake, buy the shoes, wear waterproof eyeliner & mascara, speak furiously fast, and blow us all away with the love of Jesus.

I'm rootin' for you!

Love,
From the hills of Upland (;

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Sorry to tell you ... as Jason said, "Those questions don't end when you leave your 20's." At least they shouldn't.

Can you imagine being so confident (prideful?) when you hit 30 that you think you have your whole life mapped out before you. Even at 40 ... or 50 ... or 80 ... we should ALWAYS be seeking God and asking him WHAT do you want me to do with my life???

When I hit 30, my life was on a pretty stable path ... I was the homeschooling mama of 6 children. If I had let it, I'm sure that I could have stayed right on that path for the next 20 years of so. But, no, my sweet husband and I continued to seek the Lord for new paths ... new challenges ... new journeys ... new adventures.

The day before I turned 40, my 10th baby was born. This felt good ... we thought, "Maybe we're done. 10 is a good number." I was still a stay-at-home homeschooling mama.

A couple of years later, the Lord gave me a CRAZY idea, and I became the founder/director of a school for homeschoolers. Within 4.5 years we had 185 students and 20 staff. Life was a whirlwind, as I was still homeschooling all of my children, while working full-time outside of the home.

Then ... the Lord called us to adopt 3 siblings from Africa. The Lord closed the doors to the school. The Lord called sweet husband out of his teaching career after 21 years. The Lord led us to full-time ministry ... in a very little church ... on a little island.

I've got a couple of years before I hit 50, but my 40's sure have been a crazy ride. :) I'm back to being a stay-at-home homeschooling mama. Wondering what the Lord has for me. Dreaming of writing books and re-building my speaking ministry. Looking forward to my 50's ... and 60's ... and beyond. Always wanting to be on the "front lines" for the Father.

I know that you will take each and every stage of your life and walk fully in it with the Father. Keep seeking ... keep searching ... keep walking on the path that He has for you ... and don't be afraid to step onto another path, when He calls you!

Mama D.

Sunny Cain said...

Don't forget how ticked off the enemy is about Saturday night. Don't forget how much he hates the Easter season. Don't forget how much he will do to try to distract, discourage, disengage, and shut down those in ministry during this significant week.

our battle is not against flesh and blood...
no weapon formed against you shall prosper...
Tell the enemy to get the hell away from you (literally) and tomorrow will seem brighter!

You are clothed in strength and dignity girl! Walk in it:)

Annie said...

Sunny Cain: WERD! Man, I didn't even think about the connection! BB, if this doesn't FIRE.YOU.UP -- not sure what would. ;0)

MaxineLuna said...

Bee,
You never cease to amaze me with your honesty! I can only speak for myself when I say that sometimes it's scary when you're walking that path that isn't commonly traveled! It's unknown and you're not sure if you're navigating it correctly and you question yourself and where you are in life and now you have a big birthday coming up ...and now you're in a funk talking like a crazy Venice cat lady! It's okay the funk will pass and you'll remember God's calling for you and I hope you know that you are an inspiration to a lot of people. I'm very excited for your talk on Saturday..don't let the haters get you down...and take your advise and "Just Keep Doing It!" (Because you do it exceptionally)!
...and what do you mean you don't have a glamours life ( I mean your wardrobe alone is to die for).

Cristina Alyssa said...

It's an eye opener to hear. Because many times we put people up on pedestals and think they have it all together more than us because they have the magic fix. So to see you are going through the same thing I am, is awesome! because now I feel like I can pray for YOU now, and I feel honored to know you are just like the rest of us blog stalkers
Thanks for K.I.R. (keeping it real)
= )

Kelly said...

Girl, go kick some devil(*behind*)!!! Let the Lord use you! YOU GOT THIS BOO!!!

Much love and praying!
Your sister in Christ

jamiedelaine said...

I had a breakdown last week. I was asking all the same things. Even though I'm not a 20-something... yet. I haven't been sure how to blog about it or how to approach it. i love this post.

how the heck do you wake up at 4:45AM? when do you sleep?

jacquelinefigueroa said...

Oh my friend. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that loses it. I'm not glad to hear that you feel this way. You are soooo much to soooo many of us, I think we'd all like a pocket size clone of you to make us laugh, inspire us & motivate us! You are so on the right track! You love Jesus and you make it known every single day as we follow you and read about your crazy life. Much Much love!!

Bianca said...

With all sincerity and gratitude in my big, fuzzy heart I say THANK YOU!!!

It means the world to me.

Jessica said...

I cannot thank you enough for every word I read in your blog, from sharing your inner feelings, to the words encouraging a friend to do her thang', in every word God talks to my heart and I pray that He can use you to continue to preach His word! And when it comes to weeping while preaching I would like to say that If you feel like crying do cry! for what our Jesus did for us in the cross is really worth crying and being grateful for!! God bless!!

The Montgomerys said...

I am familiar with those moments, where I'm crying out to God asking about what is going on. Usually I'm in tears, and rolled up into a ball. He is always faithful! I have a hard time with not knowing exactly when and how things are going to go down, I struggle with trust...it's just kind of my thing. But God is continually showing me that I don't need to know...I just need to trust Him and His love for me! I am praying for you Bianca. The enemy wants you to feel discouraged about speaking...but God has placed things on your heart to share, and so many people will be blessed! Much love to you...I'll take a cape.
love,
Mon <3

jonsreality said...

Amen Bianca!

I too had a melt down yesterday. I felt like my world was crashing down.

I've been stressed out, tired and confused. I even blogged about everything on my journal site! Sometimes the Christian walk gets stressful, but it's during these times that our faith begins. It's during these times that we must depend on Him most.

So I feel you. I'll be praying for you. But remember, you are a child of God.

And most importantly, God is good, all the time.

"We know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God who are called according to HIS purpose". Amen.

Nakeia said...

So honest...so true...soooo me right now...

Know that you are not alone and everytime you pull yourself together and write, you are helping to heal, evoke thought, and pull someone else back together!

I am praying for your strength sistah!

Michelle said...

34. Still asking these questions. ;) I think people who are engaged in life and seeking to be God's best are always going to be asking/questioning/making sure we're doing the right thing.

Praying for you personally (in this time of questioning) and also for your speaking on Saturday!!

(((hugs)))

p.s. After 5 days in L.A. I was questioning the time spent driving. ;) Can't imagine spending my life in that kind of traffic. HA!! Maybe if you lived up North with me you could sleep in till 7am and still get it all done. ;)

Brianna said...

I love you.

Just wait...in 5 more days you'll be 30. That's got to cheer you up some.

Jasmine said...

I want a pink cape! :)

juniorj said...

Good post sister. You inspire me :)

Cirene said...

Thanks B for sharing your heart and being so real! It touches us so much :) Ur in our prayers girl!

Anonymous said...

Ditto on everyone else's comments!

Thank you for being bold and real. I love you as sister and someone whom I admire greatly. Wish I had an once of your passion in my life but I'll settle for a pocket size just like Jackie stated. :)

Looking forward to hearing your perspective on Saturday and so is hubby!

love you much and thank you for always hearing my heart out.

p.s. I'll take mine in GREEN!

1717

netta said...

You, B, are Awesome....that's all I have to say. Can't see why people would talk about you speaking on Saturday, but, all I can say is they are HatErs. I love to hear you speak and look forward to reading your blogs. You are an inspiration to us all whether we are in our teens, 20's, 30's, 40's and so on. I always ask questions to our God and seek His answer. It may not be loud in my ear, but, it is soft spoken and in my heart. Looking forward to tomorrow night. Praying for you.....now go kick some devil butt. LOL!!!

Alece said...

so appreciate your transparency here. sigh... i am right there with you, friend. i'm wondering what God's up to you and wishing He'd GPS-navigate me a little "better".

and so we keep on waiting. and we keep holding on to hope.

i'm right beside you.

Stephanie said...

Okay, I didn't read the comments, so if you answered this just ignore me...

HOW THE HECK DO YOU WAKE UP AT 4:45 EVERY DAY? Girlfriend, my admiration for you went up 1,000 points!

What time do you go to bed? Also, are you available to kick a certain girl in the butt when she doesn't get her booty out of bed for her morning workout?!

Dawn said...

Love your honesty. The feelings are so, so real. Proud of you, pretty lady.

Chrissy said...

I LOVE it when I come across a blog and a writer who "speak" to me. It really doesn't happen often, but it did today when I found you.

This is a great post. Thank you for sharing it.

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