because it's my blog...

I need to write this out. I need to remember these feelings. I need to wrestle through the little and big things in my life. I need to chronicle this journey because if I don't know where I've come from, I will not know where I'm going.

Last week I had a breakdown in my office. No one knew, no one saw, no one needed to find out. It was just me. In my office. Alone. In a moment of pounding stress, I lost it. I literally spoke out loud to God [like a crazy lady from Venice beach with her 85 cats] and asked the questions every 20-something asks:

What am I doing? Where am I going? What do you want from me?

You would think I have this whole thing figured out. But I don't. As a ControlFreak who loves having my Garmin spurt out turn-by-turn directions, I want God to do the same. Because honestly, I'm going full steam ahead into pitch black darkness.

My life is unglamorous. I wake up at 4:45am to workout, blog, and spend time with God. Then I shower, put on heels, pack a lunch, sit in traffic, send 1,395,982,507 emails from my small office covered with post-it notes, sit in traffic again, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm wondering if what I'm doing is what God wants me to do.

Then I remembered the words I shared with Maxine over bread at dinner: So what? Just do it! Sometimes I give really good advice. It would be nice if I listened to myself. In those moments I know it's not ME, but the spirit of the Lord who is within me to share Truths.

As Public Relations & Media coordinator, I'm in the midst of launching our new church website, copy writing, planning Passion Week, facilitating our guest speakers and guest bands, oh yeah, annnnnd trying to study for Saturday's speaking event [which is bubbling over with whispers of people who are bothered that I'm speaking... so hurtful]. In addition to this I still don't have a dress to wear for Easter!

So this is me--broken and wounded. But I'm still the girl ambitious enough to think the world can change through the love and leading of Jesus Christ. My greatest desire is to round up ordinary people and have God transform us into fearless, EXTRAordinary leaders who want to save the world.

Yes, I will provide the capes.

Thank you for listening and loving me through this journey,

:B

whirlwind...

Whirlwind. You're like a whirlwind, he said.

In my mind I created grandiose images of majesty and strength and awesomeness. But, alas, he was not referencing those adjectives. It's like you come onto the scene and everything that was in place gets tossed around or changed. He didn't tell me these things to offend me; he told me those things because it's true. 

I don't know how to sit still. I'm [slightly] neurotic and [slightly] obsessive complusive and [slightly] in need of control. When I think things need to be moved, I move them. When I think things need to change, I change them. When I think things are more fun to be unplanned, I plan to be unplanned. I color-code my notes, my wardrobe, and my office desk caddy. I, I, I. I'm in control, I think to myself as I tap my fingers together and laugh wildly. Then the curtain drops, the backdrop is taken down, the mask is removed and I realize that I'm just acting like I control things. 

Psalms 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...

This verse is the climax of Psalms 46, but it has less to do with meditation and more to do with faith in God. The Hebrew verb to be still (rapha) is commonly translated to let go or cause yourself to become weak. The Hebrew word for know is yada, which means to know by seeing. The BIV translation (Bianca Internation Version) would translate it: Throw in the towel! How far are we willing to let go and let God? We need to let go to see the saving power of God in our lives.

When we confess the truth about who we really are--weak, ineffectual, and feeble--we can surrender our desire to control outcomes and entrust the care of the world to God. Even though our present world may be shaken (46:2), with nations raging and men plotting against us (46:6), we should not fear because God is ever-present help in time of trouble (46:1).

Do not fear, God is in control. Just let go and let God take over. Be still and know...