Friday, October 16, 2009

Friday Video Post #3...

Yesterday my hair dresser engaged in a conversation which sounded like she was convincing herself rather than me on the issue of dating. As she went off in a diatribe about men, dating, and the church, I realized that this is an issue many churches are facing. She vocalized her hatred of people who treat her as if she has a disease (Oh, she's single... let's pray for her) and the men from church who don't ask women out.

Personally, there are worse things than being single. Like not having a big toe. Or missing your teeth. Or walking in Death Valley with no shoes. But this issue effects a large portion of Christians, so I want to address this issue with sensitivity towards men in the church, as well as encourage women to be the best we can be in singleness.

*Disclaimer: I'm not the authority on this issue, so please jump in the conversation and give your insight.


Anonymous said...

I date Christian women, but not at my church. Most of the women at my church totally throw themselves at the guys in church and it's a major turn-off. Also, many of them think they deserve the bank account of Bill Gates, the looks of Brad Pitt, and the personality of Jim Carrey.

I'm a nice guy (who has a JOB) and could provide a great life for someone--but they want more.

GREAT topic to pick!

Shyla said...

I just adore you Bianca. I get so excited every time my RSS says you have new wise words to chat about :)

Thank you for sharing with us :)

ace said...

I have been thinking the same thing I have a couple of opinions.

There are very few "Men" around at church. I have been looking for a "Man" to mentor me and the search has been very difficult. Most of the men that do take charge and ask women out are usually insecure men who jump from relationship to relationship creating a shady reputation. There also aren't that many Godly women around, atleast @ my church. They seem to be very materialistic. I think of them as dependent feminist. Church, being a hospital, is filled with people that have had there hearts broken, life torn apart, or hit rock bottom, therefore, I believe we have a big social break down... I'm rambling now... there are so many reason and possibilities. But in a nut shell... men don't know how to be a "Godly man" and women don't know how to "Godly women"... sorry if this is scattered... I ponder this topic a lot and have a lot of opinions

Fernando said...

This is a difficult subject, but I went through some of the similiar frustrations before God united me with my wife of 15 years plus. I can only speak for me and my wife. We where both frustrated with the dating scene and the problems sometimes one can face with getting to close and falling into carnal things. The awesome thing is that we had both decieded we would be friends and hold off on dating till it was a good ( right) time- we both liked each other but we waited to date. We stayed friends and did not kiss until we got engaged. We really removed the physical element out of it, to be careful. We married two years after we meet. I do believe in God's timing and unfortunately we live in a microwave society and relationships don't always get instant results. People try to argue with me that this is not for them, although it was hard at times it was well worth it. Believers must seek God first, even if it's not on our timing for a relationship, I pray for God's strength for all having frustrations in finding a mate. God knows your deepest desires and needs more than we know or will ever understand. I encourage all to be patient and wait for God's timing it is never late.

Jenn said...

I LOVE the insight from Fernando! Ace, I kinda agree, but kinda need to hear more about your thoughts.

For me personally, it was easier to meet people online. No like mySpace, but eHarmony. I was VERY specific about the man I was looking for and my sole emphasis was on spirituality.

I met an AMAZING guy who served at his church and we totally were compatible. We're not dating anymore (I have issues I'm working through), but it was a great match for me.

My two cents!

Bianca said...

Love the feedback from the men!
@Anonymous, if you want I could hook you up with some great women from my church ;) I'm a great match maker :)

@Shy, you warm my heart! I'm still touched you read the blog :)

@Ace: Be the change you want to see. Every church has weirdos (I can say that because I love my church), but large generalizations can be presumptuous. I totally challlenge you to get involved and change the chemistry at your church :) Just do it!

Marisa said...

love your thoughts (particularly the barista who lives with his momma and her 85 cats - you sound like pastor mark!). i have seen that God's timing is perfect, and He gives you what you NEED, not what you want or think you need. and you probably need to rely on God before you replace him with a husband who will fail to give you what you want, because again - only God can give you what you need.

as someone who is not single but has many single friends, do you have any suggestions for how married women can be more supportive to those who are in a season of singleness?

Daniel Gonzalez said...

Nice subject Bianca, this is def one that many are curious about. I think it's super important as you say, to GUARD your heart and not settle so quickly due to the fact that you may be going after what you want (marriage) but not the person the Lord has set aside for you. I think it's super important that a Christian woman or man trully place the request at the Lord's feet.

Speaking on my own behalf now lol - I don't date cos I would never want to give the wrong impression of jumping from one woman to the next and in that stumble someone in the process. While I been asked this question plenty o times from people (parents, friends, etc) I wont just settle for any woman. First off I have a 5 yr old daughter whom I love dearly and who lives with me - my ministry begins with her at home. I work, I manage a building and am a director at one of my church's ministry. My time is very very thin - and though yes I would love to someday have a family and get married I am waiting on the Lord. It may be that he will lead that Godly woman to me or maybe He wants me single. Yet SHE would need to be a woman who walks with the Lord every single day...not just Sunday but every day. She would need to be Bananas for Jesus!!! LOL. Trust me - you do not want to me married and not have the Lord as the foundation of that marriage - it will lead to many heartaches and headaches.

So I think that men and women should rejoice in their singleness, taking this time to fully devote every second to the Lord, to know His will in their life. It will be on His timetable that He leads you to that perfect someone who loves the Lord as much as you do and will love and care for you more they do for themselves.

BTW Bianca - tight jacket!!!!

Anonymous said...

I humbling think it is because the pressure some churches add to the people that goes there, so men decided to date somebody from outside so they don’t get judge if the relationship doesn’t work, but inside the church is like everybody is in the picture along with the couple. That will scare the socks out of anybody... Once I heard at church 2 mom’s choosing their kids future significant others (ewww).just because the little girl was so involved in church doesn't mean it will be a good partner. ( I guess, i don't know) personaly I rather to date people from outside the church because i don't like the be holy thing Hypocrisy, I like to keep things real and grounded. This is such a good topic B and yet so confusing and delicate

Kayla said...

Ahh good topic and good points. Honestly, I see a lot of men that look but don't touch and it's like they are just afraid to take the leap. There's a guy who has been coming regularly to one of the services for the past couple months that I haven't seen before. I can tell that he has a certain level of interest in me, but last night he walked past me and hit me lightly on the back as he walked into church. Didn't come up to say hi or start a conversation, just let me know that he was there and was aware of my presence. He never came up and talked to me last night.

I do NOT have time for this nonsense.

Basically, I have gotten to the point where I've decided that it's going to take a miracle for a guy to like me, ask me out, like me even more, keep dating me, love me and want to marry me. I know that I serve a God of miracles, but I'm starting to shape my future as if I'm going to be alone, because I can't keep sitting around waiting for a guy to come along and love me. Even though I desperately want to be loved, I'm not going to act in desperation.

Bianca said...

@Marisa: I don't speak for all women, but I love my married friends who hang with me when I'm [needy] yet can celebrate with me when I'm [content]. My friend J is really good and encouraging me to want marriage, yet supportive of this season. Great balance. (Oh yeah, eat ice cream with me and tell me it's calorie-free!)

@Daniel: GREAT advice. For real. PS I call this jacket my MJ jacket. Represent.

@Anonymous: I totally know where you're coming from, but be careful with "only" dating outside of church. Your community should be able to speak into your relationship :)

@Kayla: Preach it, sista'! You crack me up. Next time the guy tries to initiate non-verbal communication, bust out sign language. When he looks confused, tell him you thought he was deaf because he's never spoken to you. Hahahahaha!

Daniel Gonzalez said...

HAHA Kayla you need to trip him next time he walks by to let him know you are aware of hius presence....and watch im sure he will be forced to say something after you trip him!!!!! It shall work.

My church (CCLAX), not trying to put us on blast, is different in the sense that there are many married folks attending the church and then there are single people but with ages all across the board (20's - 60's) so there are many age gaps. But I do see the Lord leading lots of new people so im sure He will even it out.

Bianca now you know....You have to bust out with a MJ dance in your next vid on fri. You can dance off against my daughter.

Kayla said...

I'm not sure I will take the dating advice, guys, but thanks for trying ;)

Anonymous said...

B what are your thoughs of eharmony & the like?

Anonymous said...

also what are your thoughts w/ladies asking the fellows out?

janene said...

First of all I want to say how much I adore and respect you Bianca. You are refreshing to young women like myself in today's culture! This post hit home for me in so many ways-- But I've been thinking about it recently and I am wondering how much porn has played into this whole subject of men being men and stepping up and being leaders. It seems like that is something that alot of christian men struggle with and I think it affects how they treat women.

Diandra Ann said...

How did I miss this??? I just watched it and read the comments. Oh wow do I have a lot to say about this...

Maybe more than I should. You know me and my story so all I will say is this... I think your 2 standards are awesome. If I'd stuck to those in the past... JUST those... it would have saved a lot of trouble and heartbreak. I also think that there is a HUGE difference between a guy that is a Christian and a guy that absolutely LOVES Jesus. And I think you are very right in thinking that the one that LOVES Jesus will treat a woman the way she should be treated.

It makes such a difference. Awesome blog girl!


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