Thursday, March 4, 2010

Cupidity...

Books are like children to me. I hold them in my hand, keep a vigilant eye on them, and take them with me wherever I go. So when people tell me I have to read a book, it makes me feel like their thrusting their misbehaved, raggedy lookin' child on me and asking me to baby-sit. Eerrrrt! Stop, please.

But after Is Coffee A Date vlog, I began some fun banter via Twitter with Michael DiMarco and discovered a whole world of conflicting ideas. (Yes, my life feels like kittylitter in the dog bowl... completely out of place.)

Michael and Haley DiMarco are authors of several books, including their recent book on relationships, Cupidity: 50 stupid things people do for love. I have been swapped with work and speaking engagements so I haven't been reading like I usually like to, but as I packed for Mexico, I grabbed my thin, fair-skinned child and started reading immediately.

This relationship book is 245 pages, but it reads like a diary or a conversation with friends [if your friends are witty and slightly sarcastic]. It was such an easy read, I finished it in two days. What I love most about the book is that it's true. And if you know me, I read books to uncover their faults, so this was interesting.

For example, they spent some time on the different needs of a man and woman from pre-historic times [which included a sketch of a caveman named Grog]. Here's the breakdown in basic terms:
Women:
  1. Protector: A man who gives me protection from nature and other cavemen. [Word!]
  2. Provider: A man who provides cave, fur, food and base companionship. [Ummhmm!]
  3. Enhancer: A man who offers me a chance to nest, hang furs and finger paint. [Amen!]
  4. Romancer: A man who listens to me and dances with me under the moonlight. [Preach it!]
Men:
  1. Bedmate: A woman who gives me warmth and continues my bloodline.
  2. Helpmate: A woman who cooks the kill and feeds the babies.
  3. Playmate: A woman who has tickle fights and plays pin-the-tail-on-the-mammoth with me.
  4. Soulmate: A woman who shares my thoughts and dreams and works to invent the wheel.
To some, this is information you already know and basic. In fact, the book is so simple it's enlightening. With each turned page, the callous walls of my heart began to soften as I realized how many mistakes I've made in previous relationships.... and, if I'm honest with you, in my current relationship.

Married or single, this book is a quick, easy read that has great readability for both men and women. To order the book, click here.

MY PERSONAL DATA COMPLIATION:
Women: How important is romance to you? Do you pay for dates? Does your date open your car door? Married folk: Are you happy with your sexlife? Is the man the spiritual leader in your house? Do you allow him to be?

Men: How important is silence to you? Do you like to talk about everything? What's the first thing that attracts you to a women? Married folk: Are you happy with your sexlife? Are you the spiritual leader? What's something you'd change about your wife?

As always, you can answer anonymously :)

26 comments:

Annie said...

do you REALLY want us married folks to discuss our sex lives on here??? ;0) could get graphic... just sayin'.

Amy said...

I'm single, in fact, I'm a single mom of a little girl. So, I know she is learning from my example about how to be treated by a man. These are important times and important questions to consider. So, now to your questions.

Romance is important. I don't need jewelry, flowers, and trinkets on a regular basis, but a man who does thoughtful things out of the blue, who really listens to me when I talk, who puts gas in my car because I hate to go to the gas station...that's romance and it goes far. It makes me feel special and cared for.

Do I pay for dates? Hhmmm. If he asks me out, I expect him to pay. If I invite him over for dinner, obviously I buy the groceries. If I were to ever do the asking, which I can't imagine doing, I'd pay or at least offer. If it is one of those unclear situations of whether or not it is a date, I always offer to pay for myself.

Does my date open my car door? Of all the men I've dated, I can say NO, none have. I have an amazing male friend that has been training me to expect this recently, though. After hanging out with him, I'm not sure I can go back to the not opening my door thing. It goes back to that idea of being made to feel cared for and special.

I'm looking forward to reading these responses. Especially from the guys. And I'm leaving here and going to Amazon to download it on my kindle right now.

Jason said...

What I would change about my wife is her difficulty not letting the small stuff get to her. She has enough stress in her life without little things adding to it. I know she would be healthier physically and emotionally if she could free up some of those burdens.

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

Romance is soooo important to me. It feeds my soul. It makes me feel feminine, special, and cherished. Plus, I love smoochin'...not gonna lie. However, having spent a lot of time watching other relationships and participating in them, I've realized that this is totally subjective. Not all people are wired the same way...it's totally like the 5 Love Languages.

Being a 30-something with a great job, I will offer to pay or split. Having said that, when the guy takes care of the bill, it makes me feel provided for...does that make me a cave woman?! : )

I don't always notice when the acts of chivalry are done, but I do notice when they're not...strange, huh?!

amyeneal said...

I felt like a cave woman today as I peeled the chicken off its bone and made a soup (from scratch I might add). hahaha
seriously though, I only say that b/c "cooking the kill" is not really my gift, but I am LEARNING that I want to be the helpmate to my husband and being a that may mean pulling innards out of a whole chicken and making a soup from it three days later. GROSSSSSS. haha!!
I love the list, I love that when I read the list I can see where my husband and I have changed and grown. My husband has what you called in a past blog, some "stakes" in his past that took him away from us... and now that he is here with us, we are constantly working at pulling that stake out and he is becoming the man God has called him to be. It is a journey though! And the more of my own layers I pull off (my insecurities, my selfish desires, my anger) and constantly give it to God, I respect my husband more AND I become all those mates that my husband needs and desires. (huge for us) And of course, my needs get met as well :) yay! As he is totally those 4 things for me... So I will honestly answer, Yes and Yes!! (to the sex and the spritual leader questions) Ok, I'm done now. whew.

Anonymous said...

Great blog B, I will order this book, sadly my sexlife sucks, I’m even thinking on getting a divorce, my husband doesn't even acknowledge my presence and it makes me feel like I am the ugliest girl on the planet, so there is no romance in our life, we do not have kids because we don cuddle at all, I have talked to him because this problem have been there for the past 5 years and I felt like I am wasting my time there…what is the point on continue with this relationship if he makes me feel like nothing and I have become a bitter person which I wasn’t before. I have even suggested him to go seek for help but his machismo doesn’t let him accept that we indeed have a huge problem there and he is being selfish because he doesn’t want to let me go….

Cindy A. said...

Oh my. Well, my dad has been very caring with his girls so I know what to expect from a man I am dating. Have I held these guys up to those standards? Negative. I settle.

After a break up with my boyfriend of 4 years, I was living a lifestyle of "bad company is better than no company." I really convinced myself that no one would ever be like my ex, much less better than my ex.

I'm still struggling with being honest with myself about how important romance and chivalry is to me (I crave it!) so I need to learn to be comfortable being single for Jesus. *le sigh* I don't enjoy being single unless I'm doing something, somewhere, with someone (not necessarily a date). But when my life is actively full of activities, events, friends, "stuff" I get so burnt out! I NEED BALANCE!

Dana said...

Romance is great. I love it. It's important and very necessary - but it's not a one size fits all type of thing.

Pay for a date - No Ma'am!! ...and, no going Dutch, I'm an American. ;-)

Sare said...

I'm hearing you Cindy!
My Dad has made the unfortunate mistake of being a wonderful, caring, romantic godly role model and made it difficult for his daughters to settle for anything less. (Bless him though for being such an example... very slow to anger fortunately for me)
I've struggled with bad and unhelpful relationships as i also crave romance and knowing that someone "cares/loves" me. I need to learn to be content *cough cough* (hard not to choke on that) with being single and being loved by God as that is enough.
Envy is tricky though when you have a sister who married a lovely man and you just want what they have.......

In an aside, B i've signed up to your twitter and looked like a complete maniac when i got the giggles in a serious work related lecture when the speaker was talking about strokes etc.... not cool :) you crack me up!

Michael DiMarco said...

B.- Thanks for the Cupidity love. Your readers have some situations I'd love to speak into and how they relate to Cupidity.

One thing that I wanted your readers to know (that we cover in the book) is that #1 & #2 in each caveman list are NEEDS and #3 & #4 are WANTS. And that if the woman/man's NEEDS aren't being met, you're wasting your time on fulfilling their wants. In other words, who cares how romantic (#4) a man is if a woman doesn't feel safe (#1) or provided for (#2) and so on.

A relationship can survive on just getting #1 & #2, but a relationship that has three or all four is a relationship to be admired and cherished.

To Anonymous: I'm praying for you and your marriage. Hayley and I have counseled women in your situation and know what you're going through, but there is hope.

To Cindy A.: Act of Cupidity #2 in the book is Believing Romance Equals Love. Remember that romance is at the top of the pyramid of wants for a woman, and that romance is a feeling, love is not. When we're commanded to love our neighbors and love our enemies, none of that is romantic.

To everyone else: thanks for sharing. We're looking at doing a live call in show in the next couple weeks to answer more questions on Cupidity. B., I'll keep you posted.

Disabled Reverend said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bianca said...

Thanks for the honesty and candor. I'm glad I'm not the only one who loves me some romance ;)

Michael. thanks for your input! I think a live, call-in program would be a great way to explain so much of what I couldn't!

Adios,
B

Cindy A. said...

To Sade: Thanks for the back up!
To Michael: It means a lot to know that I'm not solely responding to Bianca, thank you for your feedback!
To Bianca:No, YOU rock! *wink*

Anonymous said...

I think as a married girl, I definitely lack romance in my relationship. My husband is apathetic in that area. For example, I have been super excited about going out tomorrow since we have a babysitter and all. Well, my husband comes along today and says that he invited another couple out with us. This made me so angry! He does not understand. When you are looking forward to having a night out with your husband and he invites other people. So super romantic right....NOT! I am the one at fault for being too sensitive :(

DtothaG said...

Hmmm interesting book. Might have to check it out when I can sneak in sometime to read.

I only like silence when I am watching sports...and what I mean by silence is any talk that does not pertain to the game! Before and after the game I am all ears and will be more than happy to talk till I get lock jaw.

My dad instilled in me about opening door's....so it's a normal thing to do, open and hold a door.

As a father I am going to raise the bar up very high - I just want my daughter to have a good example, blueprint of a Godly Man who loves her and cares for her....so I hope she will seek the similar or better when she grows.

There is obvious visual attraction but things may look good on the outside and be in full disaray in the inside. Any presence of drama can be saved for your MAMA! = )

Christa Hann said...

Since having our first child I can honestly admit that meeting my husbands needs have been a struggle. But we have open conversation on a regular basis and we both acknowledge that I need to make a better effort. I just find sometimes it's easier to talk about what needs to be done rather than acting. It's hard but there's hope. I'm discouraged but not defeated.
Thanks for an awesome post Bianca!

Bianca said...

@Cindy A: No, no, you rock [squared].

@DG: Hahahahaha! Save the drama for your mama! Oh no, you'll be annoyed with me. I've been told I'm dramatic. But what do they know?!

@Christa: Love it! Discouraged but not defeated... powerful. Have you read the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman? Maybe discovering your husband's love language and yours could assist in understanding each other more. Then again, I'm not married. What do I know?! :)

Anonymous said...

Have nice trip to Mexico! I will manager your comment section while you are gone. Don't worry, I will do a good job and whip it into shape! :)!!

Cole said...

Hey Bianca,

Love hearing your thoughts on anything dating related since I've been in that sphere for a while. As far as romance, I realize it's not everything, but definitely needed in a relationship. I'm pretty old-fashioned and expect a guy to take the lead. Right now, I'm reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and it's been so spot on. Thanks for the book rec, I'll definitely be checking it out.

Bianca said...

Thanks for letting me know about this book!

I can't wait to read it :D

Diandra Ann said...

Yes it is important! Romance is huge! And so are the little things (opening a door, etc.). But I also don't want to have to tell my man those things... I want a man who it is just in his nature... it's just who he is. I want a man that wants to romance me and make me feel loved... not because he feels he has to. In turn, I am going to make HIM feel loved... if we're both doing it then everyone is happy :)

I guess having been in enough bad situations, I am so ready for the good one. And I know that no man (or person) is perfect, but I do believe that I do not have to settle. Nor does he.

I'm just sayin...

Laurel said...

Great discussion!

How's the sex life? Well ... with a dozen kids I guess you can figure we do okay in that area. No, seriously, after 27 years of marriage it keeps getting better (and it was great to start with).

Romance? My hubby needed some serious help in this area. We had some tough times in this regard. I had to teach him my needs. But ... after 20 years (seriously ... it took 20 years) he's doing pretty well. So, I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

My husband is now the spiritual leader. Another area that took a very long time to get to. Over 20 years of my praying that he would "step up", and he finally did. And ... he then became a full-time pastor. Crazy!

I stepped out in a big way this week, for my dh's 50th birthday. I bought him a WANT ... something I did NOT want him to have, but something that he has wanted for 30 years. The Lord really had to show me to give up my wants in order to bring honor and blessing to my husband, in a BIG way. Hard, but good.

While my young adult daughters want a husband like their dear daddy (the romance, the spiritual leader, etc...) I tell them that it took awhile for him to be where he is at. So, don't say "no way" to a guy just because he isn't everything that you are wanting. You're probably not everything that he is looking for either. But, God can and will mold you into who He wants you to be.

Keep bringing up the great topics, B.

Mama D.

Krystle said...

Laurel, 20 years?! Please tell me your kidding. As a single lady it's going to be 20+ years! YIKES! haha

I always pay for my dates, because I have issues with receiving things (no worries, I'm working on it, especially if it isn't straight out specified "THIS IS A DATE". However, what I really want is a guy who's sure and confident enough in himself (as well as not financially stupid so he can afford it) to challenge me on my inability to let people pay. I'm not holding my breath for this though! haha (but I'm also not settling for the dude next door).

I have only ever had a door opened for me once. It was a magical night where a guy I went to a banquet with made me feel like Cinderella. (I also know how cliche it sounds...but it's so honestly true).

Laurel said...

Yes ... it took 20 years for my husband to become both the romantic and the spiritual leader. However, there were MANY other great qualities about him. He's a hard worker, an amazIng Papa to our 12 children, a FUN guy who loves to play, etc... And, he definitely loved the Lord, he just wasn't the spiritual leader that I so desired.

Bianca said...

Laurel and Krystle,

This is an OPEN and great discussion!!! I love it.

Mama, your commitment and loyalty is amazing.

Krystle, in Cupidity, it said that if you treat your man like a son (ie buy him dinner, dress him, tell him what to do), he'll grow up acting like a child. Raise the bar, girlfriend! I hope you find your Prince Charming!

Krystle said...

Well...said Prince Charming just found out his girlfriend might be moving to a new city...muahhaha...

Oh wait..I moved too!


Laurel, How did you know that he was GOING to be the spiritual leader that you wanted in your home? I would've had to of had a neon sign from God because there are so many things that someone could "one day" be great at.

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