Thursday, February 18, 2010

white flower speaks...

Behind the computer screen is a land far, far away where you can be as honest as you so choose. The blogosphere is a special place for people to speak about secrets deep within, give opinions otherwise ignored, or voyeuristically peer into the lives of others.

Two years ago I began to blog anonymously. I chronicled lame dating experiences, my struggles with the scale, and secrets only told to the blogosphere anonymously. Sharing the holy grail of my inner world was difficult but cathartic. Yes, it was an online diary of a funny fat girl who attracted the weirdest men known to creation. And seriously, it was my life.

Until one day everything changed.

Without going into details, I discovered my little secret blog wasn't so secret. In fact, it felt like the pages had been ripped out and posted all on the lockers at school. On one specific day, I knew something was off kilter. I knew something wasn't right. I knew that they knew that we all knew I had an online diary. Like a scene out of a teen movie:
Cue a teen version of Bianca to walk down the hall! Cue the angst-ridden teens staring at her! Cue the group of mean girls laughing! Cue the power-wielding jock who controls all public opinion!
And that my friends, was how it all went down.

I drove home that night after church sobbing uncontrollably. I felt betrayed, crushed, and embarrassed. Then I felt angry--and wanted to slash some tires (I'm Puerto Rican--they're crazy!). But after a long conversation with Matt he assured me that it wasn't done out of malicious intent and people will always be shady.* Even Christians.

That was a turning point for me. I realized there was no power in anonymity and God gave me a literary voice for a reason: I could write.

We have gifts and talents that are bestowed upon us for a reason. Like the old Sunday School song says, why hide it under a bushel? Let your light shine! What are your talents? Do you write? Do you sing? Do you cook well? Do you sew? Don't live in anonymity!

Everybody has a talent. What is yours?

Matthew 25:22-23, 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.' His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things...'

*He didn't say shady. He's from the Mid West. But I paraphrased. Because I'm cool like that.


Marcus Murphy said...

Always good and what people need to hear. Thank you for sharing that story. ;) Ya Boi Murph.

Jenn said...

Do you still have that blog? I would LOVE to read it!

Thank you for sharing...... I have always wanted to sing but I've always been too afraid. I sing at home and in the shower :)

Hubby says I'm great. But I've been living in anonymity. I hope to step out soon......

Bianca said...

Marcus Murphy?!?! Oh, whaaaat?! You just made my day :) How's the married life? I hope you and Gina enjoy every new day you have together ;) Love you, friend!

Jenn, nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will never know how your talents coul be used until you step out and do it :)

Bianca said...

PS NO. I do NOT have the blog any more. It was up for only about 6 months. I pulled it down and deleted it immediately.

The good thing that came out of it was that I started this blog :) No more anonymous musings from this girl :)

Nakeia said...

I am grateful for your "turning point." You do have a voice and you write well...well enough to inspire me to add blogging to the list of "things I know I should be not." But of course his time I am...blogging that is.

Stay encouraged ans you encurage others ;-)!

Markus from germany said...

Hi Bianca,

it's always a pleasure to read your blog. I think you're a little bit younger than me, but I also think I can learn a lot of things from you. Your believe in God, makes you great.

I have a lot of talents...e.g. I am a musican, I am a computer freak, I am a paramedic, I am a psychologist, I am a loving husband and father and people always say to me, that everyone feels good, when they near me and working with me. I bring a lot of laughter with me, when I am with my friends, but that don't ever give me anything deeply, especially no job.

I am searching my whole life for my calling that makes me happy and to feed my familiy, but I can't find...

I don't really know what to say here, but I hope you always stay as you are (semper fidelis)...also I don't know you personally...keep on writing...

greets from your german friend,
Markus :-)

P.S. hope you understand my english

Marcus Murphy said...

Married life is a true blessing, what an awesome gift God has given us. We are settling into the desert and I'm speaking about twice a week now. I thank God things are starting to get busy. I love watching your talks, very inspiring for me. I struggle with the idea that I can't always share my faith at the majority of the speaking venues I'm booked at :(, but I have faith that God is using me with my message.

Love you too and keep it up, your awesome! :)

Kati said...

Being super honest online is difficult. Like hi, Internet, WORLD WIDE web, here's my secrets and a list of all the stupid things I do. Don't hate. Ahh, that's enough to give a person a mild panick attack.

But seriously, don't we do this IN REAL LIFE too?! I know I can fall in to that trap of sugar coating things that I feel are embarrassing or too "private."

Thanks so this encouragement to KEEP IT REAL (I can't believe you didn't say this in your post), both online and in real life!

Marcus Murphy said...

"Markus" (the cooler one obviously),

You're the man, so good :)

Annie said...

Oh, BB... I have been struggling with this for the last few days. Oh heck, let's be honest... for the last few years.

But in this last year especially, I've really been convicted about who I really am. About what God has placed in me. And about what I'm going to do with it all.

I am a very "black and white" kind of girl. I feel like I've got strengths administratively and find myself in a leadership role. With others who don't seem to appreciate it or have never really seen it. And I don't like confrontation, but will jump in when needed. And it's looking like it's in need these days. But I want to give up. I verbally vomitted all over The Hubs last week and wanted to throw in the towel that night. But, in all his wisdom, The Hubs reminded me that this isn't about "them" -- this about me doing what God placed me there to do. And I feel like all the other talents/things/ideas He's given me won't be released for service until I do/finish/work through THIS thing.

So, please "post-it" me and keep me in your prayers... and make sure your ATM card is handy. I might need bail money. :)

Baby Mama said...

even though i dont blog anonymously, it is STILL weird for me when people in my real life say that they have read my blog.

im sorry you had to go through that! but you are absolutely right, you have a gift! I am glad you are not anonymous anymore! said...

I am not ready to share my writings with everyone yet. Maybe some day for now its only for a select few!! Thank you for sharing!!!

jennifer Lebron said...

I started an anonymous blog earlier this year and stopped writing because it felt like that anonymity wasn't even enough. I have no idea what it was about what I'd been through that I can't even write them in my personal journal when I am sitting in my room by myself... I still censor myself. It's so strange.

Like... I fear that I am ashamed of what God has given me. Like I don't like my lemons so I refuse to touch them? Hahaha.

I know that in my heart--I trust that God uses every single second of my life for his will... but what is making it so hard to testify outloud--the refining fire that I've had to walk through...???

;) But thank you so much for sharing. "There is no power in anonymity."


Anonymous said...

Mean girls and gossip girls are only movie and TV show titles, we shouldn't try to live by that or imitate them. I am really sorry to hear that something like that happened to you, but God is doing great things with you and people would be jealous, so be strong and keep your chin uo because the hand on God is upon you Bianca,.. love always.. your blogs has been a great blessing in my life and you have no idea how many people you have reach and touch because of who you are..

christy said...

I love it that u write brings inspiration and encouragement!!!

talents has always been a heard one for me...i know it cannot be possible to be without talents, but finding them iin yourself is hard...a lot of times i feel when u say what is your talent? are u using it? i don't really know what to say...

Lord, please reveal my talents to me so IO can use them to glorify u:)

Katy G said...

I think that's what makes your blog so open up about yourself w/out shame. It makes you seem like a long lost friend..even though we've never met. God has truly blessed you and your sister w/ the ability to make people feel special, probably without even realizing you're doing it!! :)

Tammy@If Meadows Speak... said...

B, I love this! Why are we so easy to share under "annoymous" and when it's the 'real' us, we hold back? Letting go and being real is freeing and terrifying at the same time. I'm so GLAD you're not annoymous. You are a real person, not some hidden persona behind smoke and mirrors. Kudos to stepping up and owning it. Even if it wasn't by your choice, you claimed it. We need more of you. The Christians in the flesh, not ones wrapped in plastic fake. Keep real Sista. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow!I wish I could sing or play an instrument but I don't do neither. The gift that's close to my heart is interior design, although I don't do day to day work at my job (somewhat) I'll take up the chance to do work for others on the side and it fires up my passion again. Lately I've been thinking what is stopping me from really venturing on my own and grown. Hmmmm..lots to think and pray about.

me...1717 (still living under anonymity)

I'm sorry about how your blog went down...:)

Bianca said...

@Nakeia: Blogging is like exercise. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Don't give up! If nothing else, it's a journal to look back on :)

@Markus: I'm not going to do try to make you love God. I'm simply happy you're here. But, my dear friend, you are searching for something MORE than just a good career, family, or artistic outlet. I know what you're looking for... and He's waiting for you :) I prayed so dearly today for you on my run this morning. *Jesus liebt dich*

@Kati: I'm OBVIOUSLY corrupting you. You said keep it real. Hahahaha! That's awesome.

@Marcus: I'm so happy for you both!

@Annie: Wow--that was honest. And real. And raw. My PR friend, I will put a post-it note FOR SURE. Tell Hubs he rocks.

@Baby Mama: 1. I really love your blog name. Hilarious! 2. Isn't it totally weird when people say they read your blog?! I always hug them. And then I feel stupid for doing it.

@Jackie: Really?! You've had a private blog and I can't read it. Really?!

@Jen: You're journey is gnarley! You need to blog just to document what's going on. Seriously. It'll be a testament to you in later years. Ciao, mi amiche! Baci e abbracci!

@Anonymous: Thanks for the encouragement. I've almost hit 200 blogs?! This is so surreal!

@Christy: You're asking the right questions! Now when you have a desire to do something great, don't second-guess yourself. Just do it! It might be the very thing you need to do :)

@Kati: Thanks for stopping by and thanks for your continuous encouragement. I appreciate your kind words with every blog comment!

@Tammy: "...not wrapped in plastic fake." That's the best line! You made me smile. PS I loved your Message In A Bottle entry :)

Bianca said...

@1717: Whaaaaat?! Interior design is a TALENT! I'm reading Exodus right now and THREE artists were named by name and stated that the Lord filled them with the spirit to do their specific jobs.

YOU ARE NEEDED. You're talented. Trust me... I wouldn't lie.

PS YOU were the only one who truly empathetically felt how deeply that wound was. Thank you for not thinking less of me. I love you.

Markus from germany said...

Dear Bianca,

I don't know what to say, I am very emotional touched from your words.

I am born in a liberal catholic familiy, but I digress from the catholic church, when I was 20 years old. A few years ago I reenter the catholic church, because I still believe in God but I still can't really believe in the catholic church hier in germany. I think I know, that you know what I am searching, because so it is. But here I can't find it anymore...Here is no one I can't believe in...nobody to speak with...

In what kind of church are you praying?

Thankfull for your answer,
Markus :-)

Cristina Alyssa said...

I love anonymity! Although I don't personally blog in anonymity, it's just a way to express yourself. It's especially nice when you know that no one really reads your blog anyway. Unlike yours though of course. When people do leave feedback to what you (I) write it's encouraging.
I am able to help keep myself accountable and share on my blog about my struggles with my gifts.
God is good.
I also think for prayer requests, I feel God listens better when all the deets, or at least the name of the people are shared = ) so that's one reason I don't believe in anonymity!

Melinda said...

@Markus in Germany, my family lives in Germany - my dad lives in Kiel and the remaining family lives in Dusseldorf and Baden-Baden. Where are you located? I have a number of friends who live in Herborn and Siegen and have a church there. I would love to give you their contact information. Please email me at They may know of a good church in your city if you are too far.

Bianca said...

@Melinda and Markus: I LOVE how we can all come together to help each other :) Markus, I sent you a link on your facebook wall of a church in Siegen. They are the biggest church I know out there, but there are other churches I could recommend as well in Herborn and Dusseldorf :)

DToTheeeeeeG said...

B, notice how God is using the talent he has given you and your blog to connect someone across sea's to Him. WOW!!!

The Lord has given me a heart for people & kids, I just enjoy serving however possible. Even serve food if that's what He has me do HA!

Matthew T. said...

Everyone has talent, it's just a matter on how we use it. I was just looking at your photo and I still can't tell if that's a flower or a cloud in the sky.

Oh how embarrassing it must have been for your secret blog to have been leaked out and everyone pointing at you and humiliating you. Well at least you are coming clean about it so that no one else falls into this trap.

Cole said...

Hey Bianca, it's so awesome how your blog for the day can really touch on the issue I'm going through in the moment. I've also started blogging, more for a reminder of what God's teaching me in the season. As for my exact talents...I'm still praying that God reveals them to me, so that I can fully use them for Him.



the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

I'm SO GLAD you blog, otherwise we never would have "met" and that would make me sad...and also because you truly are a writer. Your words touch me, encourage me, inspire me, and urge me to be a better Christian! Keep it up, woman!!!

Raquel said...

if you thought you attracted the weirdest men known to all of creation... well, I think I hold the title. Camels were offered in exchange for me!? Trust me, it was the Middle East, they don't play!!! LOL I can tell you story after story.

I love that the Lord has brought me to your blog.

Markus from germany said...

Hi Bianca,
Hi Melinda,

I Love it too, how everything come together. If you were not so far away, I would give you a big hug. :-) Thank you very much for the link, Bianca, it's very interesting, but Siegen is to far away (about 200 miles). I live in Dusseldorf and if you know someone here, it would be great.

Thank you again very much.

greets with hugs,
Markus :-)

Lindsay said...

You blog has been a real inspiration and encouragement to me not just because of the words but because of who you are. And because you continue to Keep It Real!

I started to blog just for myself and totally get freaked out when people mention that they read my pastor!!!

I believe there is power in vocalising our dreams and passions too and not just hiding them away. Then others can come alongside and help make them a reality.

Nakeia said...

Thanks for the advice...and for excusing all of my type-os ;-)

Please check out my blog and let me know what you think! I am


Diandra Ann said...

I loved your blog then. I love it now. The common denominator? YOU. I love you! And your writing is brilliant :) xoxo

Dana said...

I honestly can't believe it's been TWO years!!! Where did the time go? We've never met, but I feel like I know you. Not in the sense that I know oh so much about you, but in the sense that I understand you. Anonymity or not, your talent was still displayed and I think it's okay to be anonymous for a little while. It all lead to what you are doing today. I totally understand the point of your message though. I don't necessarily think I hide my talents as much as I honestly don't know what they are. Maybe it's being bossy or my drive to succeed at whatever I do. I honestly think some talents are just developed over time and I'm in my "over time" phase. If reading is a talent, I LOVE to do that. I love expression as well so I dabble in writing and am getting super immersed in photography. So maybe those are my talents. Who knows? I'm honestly still trying to make sure I listen to God's will for my life. I just love to capture the moments with words, pictures, physical expression (dance, exercise, HUGS) - at some point it'll all come together and be beautiful. ;-)

Lydia said...

Thank you so much for publicly sharing your talent with us! Your ability to touch hearts with words is one I wish I had. It's funny that today's sermon at church was on this parable. I was just now cleaning out my Google Reader and came across this post I had saved. I love how God emphasizes things He wants us to learn by bringing it up again and again...sometimes in randomly unconnected places!

Michelle said...

Bianca, this is a great post. There is something about putting everything on the table so liberating! What I admire about you, is your willingness to be so transparent. My closest friendships are with those who I can be completely me...the good, bad, and downright ugly. Thank you so much for sharing this. It just further validates the reason why I believe this is so important!

MPH Photography said...

Hi Bianca, I drop by here and your sister's blog every so often and I never know which post to reply to as they are all so inspiring. I just pray that you continue blogging as I know I, and many others get SO much from it, you bring us closer to God and for that I thank you. You also show that God is there in everything that happens, the good the bad the ugly but He always creates something beautiful from each situation. Keep preaching and writing sister friend, the world needs a girl like you, the internet needs a girl like you, and I need a girl like you to write and speak, for that is definitely not my strong suit, but you inspire me to do better and be better. I'm a photog and although not as good as your sis, I feel like God is using me, He's blessed me with this gift and I want to make Him proud. Whatever He has in store for me, I know will be nothing short of amazing. God bless.

singapore florist said...

i love white flowers. it makes everything feels so peaceful and serene.


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