Friday, September 11, 2009
Brad picked up his guitar and began singing songs as staff devotions began. The staff loudly began to worship and unabashedly sang out as the chorus approached. The honest truth was that my mind was not there. My mind was on a million other things as I was stressing out about this weekend's Genesis retreat and all the things which needed to be completed. Did I bring my notes with me? Do I have my VGA cable for my powerpoint? Did I pack floss? What if the studies suck?
Matt Redman's worship song Heart of Worship filled the staff lobby and I feebly sang in unison with my peers. But I didn't mean it. It was hallow and dishonoring.
I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about you, it's all about you
Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, 'cause it's all about you, it's all
about you, Jesus.
When Brad finished the chorus I was choked up and the shaky quiver in my throat caused me to stop singing--it was if Brad was singing where my heart should have been, but was so far from.
Life is not about me. As much as I want to believe that my words or leadership or charisma was needed for success, I humbly realized that it's never been about me. God is going to do a work in spite of my inadequacies, in spite of my faults, in spite of... well, me. When God calls us to do something or we are bestowed the honor of serving the Lord, there is peace in knowing we are only vessels. HE fills, HE equips, HE anoints us. At the end of the day, it's all about leading people closer to Jesus. 1 Corinthians 1:27-29 is proof that He's going to use me... I've obviously made a fool of myself already.