Thursday, January 28, 2010

borders in life...

Writing is like photography. Given a frame, you can omit anything if it's outside the frame. The background can be cropped out, the foreground can be highlighted. Essentially, you reveal what you want to reveal.

I have a frame in writing. My frame includes the pretty and excludes the ugly. My frame highlights the good and ignores the bad. My frame crops out secrets battles and highlights successes. Internet, if we're truly honest with each other, we all have frames in life.

Yesterday I was speaking to my sister (who ironically is a photographer) and listed a host of things I'm battling. Some serious, some hilarious. At the end of the conversation, she encouraged me to be real. Hello, this is what I preach about, right? Why don't you just be you, she encouraged. It's not a novel concept, but it's frightening.

I don't like the Me who is outside the frame. I like cropping out the secret food binges I've struggled with childhood. I like highlighting speaking events that I love, but hide the feeling of failure as I walk away from the podium. I like saying I live in Los Angeles, but will never discuss the financial toll this comes with. Why? Because being on the inside of the frame is clean, neat, and perfect.

But life is not lived in a frame. I'm not clean, neat, and perfect. I'm jacked up, messed up, and addicted to food. But I'm Me. And I will continue to believe the facade if don't write like I live. So this is me. Stripped, bare, and honest.

Pull down the borders and share what's outside the frame. At least you can comment in anonymity! Now the world knows that Oprah and I struggle with diets?!

What do you struggle with?

Photo credit: Jasmine Star who wrote a blog and posted this picture of us when we were twelve. I'm wear stripes which obviously adds 40 pounds. Obviously.

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

I struggle with food. People would really look at me funny if they knew that. I for a time WANTED to gain weight because I felt so small playing sports. now sports is over, it's a constant struggle to get the weight i gained for fun, off.
My brain hates the scale, yet it puts me on it everyday. sometimes more than once, after every meal. I wake up starving. I hate it. physically I can't really do much about weight because I have a lot of injuries that prevent me from exercising. So my solution: don't eat as much. Some days I just eat dinner and that's it, and the bare minimum because that's the only meal my family notices if you eat or not.

I'm a recovering druggie... not your typical though. Just a handful of advil, and then some heavier prescriptions laying around. Just to deal with the pain. Most of the time its mental/emotional pain. Occasionally it is physical.

I struggle with friends. I look at others and wonder why I can't have that.

In my family, I sacrifice so much. but they don't know. I always order the cheapest and smallest things if we go out to eat, even if I don't like it. I remind them "well, we don't really need ham AND turkey." I need a surgery on my mouth, but as far as they know we can wait because it's not bothering me. but really it is killing me. I try to help make life easier. I don't want to be that burden. I feel I carry the load of the family. the stress. the responsibility to make things run smooth.

BUT GOD IS GOOD! His peace is overwhelming.
I find myself struggling with the things above, mainly only the days I'm not in the word. The flesh takes over, and it's hard to win that battle when you give the win to your flesh for the day.

and no one knows. but me and God of course.

But my God is faithful to us. His promises don't fail. and I'm stoked = )
this is the real me

Allie Marie Smith said...

Love you B. Thanks for being so real. It's my mentors and friends like you who encourage me to do the same in ministry. "It's in the light that our sin and shame is washed away. -heal" I still struggle with being real too about this struggle - having written a book about freedom from food and the tyranny of the scale the reality is I still don't have it together even though I feel like I should. But God is continuing to HEAL us and set us free. Love the real you! World, watch out!

Bianca said...

@anonymous: I'm crying. Maybe I'm really emotional today or maybe you just spoke so candidly, but my heart is aching for you. Yes, God is good and will get us both through this time.
This too shall pass...

Anonymous said...

Just like you do, I do myself struggle with food and jealousy. I know it is very ugly, I can managed to fake it in front of people but only God’s know that I have a problem a huge one. I used food as an escape to ignore the feelings that I felt when I see somebody achieving his/her goal and yet there is me struggling and trying extra hard without any success. Pray for us the ones that are ugly and messed up because we cannot help to feel this way, I have tried many times to be better but I’m a failure and never succeed on it. I ask to God, WHY, yo made me this way? WHY am i feeling mad and angry for other peoples success and nice life, i hate the way im and i don't like me at all. Why GOD why, i never get his answer so i hope one day he will tell me why i feel this way and how to manage it. Tnanks Bianca

Christa said...

I love your posts!
This is so true for me as well....though not a food addict I am guilty of hoping friends, family, others only see "inside the frame" and let them believe everything is clean, neat, & perfect. I'd rather not let them see my self doubt and insecurity.

DToTheG said...

Food, food, food...everyday is food! <---- Popeye the Movie

I dislike that lately I get home and go on a rampage with food. I eat whatever I find, snack here and there....well it's not really a snack, more like half a bag of chips, ice cream, cookies, beef jerkey....lol anything I find. This happens everytime the holidays come around, I let loose and struggle with food and wonder why i get Vurps! Now I have an awards ceremony in mid march and I need to work hard at dropping at least 6-10 lbs so I wont feel awkard in my suit.

I struggle with getting way involved in my XBOX 360 Live game the past month and miss my time to read scripture. This one really upsets me cos I play and forget time flies and next thing I know it's 1 am....and I have to get up at 5:50am. Been letting myself get distracted and not getting to scripture as I should.

When I was young my fam had enough money to buy me 1 pair of shoes for school. Now I buy shoes when I don't even need them - I struggle big time when it comes to shopping.
Im thinking of giving them away and live with just 1 pair.

I sometimes wonder if God want's me to be single for the rest of my life lol - it seems like it....but I know I have to be patient.....just difficult sometimes when i just want to know and I get impatient.
And talking about impatient - I def need work on my patience.
I also feel like I don't get enough time with my daughter. It's brutal cos we wake up, share about 2 hrs before I take her to school, pick her up around 6pm, help her with her hw, cook, bathe her and by then it's 9pm. I feel like a failure as a parent sometimes.

But God is faithful when I am faithless....I been praying on all these things - leaving them at the Lord's feet. If I cannot do it, I know through Him I can. There is Grace and Healing.

Zech 4:6

christy said...

wow Bianca...can I say I love it that you share your good as well as your bad...it's so hard for me to recognize the good, but so easy for me to point out my bad....yes i have eating binges too...yes, i say i am going to do things and i don't, yes i have lots of things to say about christ and serving and all of that, but struggle with getting involved at church...yes I feel like i suck as a mom because i do lose it sometimes or have bad days or feel like I am not like those other perfect moms...yes i feel like a loser because i still have insecurities and feel like the dork who can never be cool no matter what she did...ok am i saying too much here...didn't mean to go off on a tangent...I feel so lame...

Anonymous said...

I struggle with the why's.
For example, why was 2009 so crappy??? (haha)
seriously though, it was. Here's the quick timeline:
Husband's a pastor, things are going good, but he's in pain from past injuries.
I get pregnant (yay)
Husband goes on sabbatical to heal from addictions and get healthy.
Husband gets MORE unhealthy.
Husband ends up in rehab for 6 weeks - WHILE I'm 8 months pregnant with a 3 and 4 year old at home.
Husband is no longer in ministry and has to find a job.
Husband gets a job (yay!), but finances are extremely tight and life is not how we ever expected it. (enter in food stamps, govt. healthcare, etc)
Are people staring at me b/c "we feel so sorry for you that your life is so crappy..." or "wow, you are coming back to church here?"
When in reality we are asking God why and how and when??!!!
And in the middle of this, I'm a personal trainer with all that extra baby fat who is really struggling to get it gone, and its hard. I mean 3rd baby?!
So I know God will use us, maybe he already has, but I'm just hoping 2010 goes along way better than 2009.

Thanks for your blog... thanks for letting us share anonymously. And hopefully I don't sound like a complainer. That last thing I want is to complain about my life - my loves, but you are right, there are just struggles that come and it is hard.

Bianca said...

@Anonymous: Jealousy is a HUGE monster that will overtake you. I know. I've been there. (I'm lying. I AM there.) But perspective helps us recalibrate back on God's plan for our life. Focus on what God HAS provided and how he will continue to provide.

@Christa: There's a freedom in admitting to it. PS Everyone is insecure. Steal my manta: "Fake it 'til you make it."

@DG: I saw you tweeted about Chinese food last night and it made me hungry :) I feel you on the shopping thing. But I DON'T feel you on the video games :) Dude, we're in our 20s. Video games were SO 1980s.

@Christy: If you're anything like me, our insecurities stem from and will return us to food. Food is not our god. Our god is not our belly. I'm praying for you... heck, I'm praying for us!

Bianca said...

@Anonymous: From your lips to God's ears may 2010 be a stronger year for you and your husband. I have no clue who you are but I'm putting your and your prayer requests on a post-it note and sticking it to office wall.
May God give you stength to endure this season.

Hannah said...

I find it amazing that someone who I see as so incredibly beautiful (honestly, your beauty makes me envious...) has struggles. It's a good realisation that even the most gorgeous women have the same insecurities as every other woman. God has given you amazing strength, wisdom AND beauty. And I think you use everything he gave you plus ten percent!

P.S. how do you get your teeth so white???

Faith, Food and Fitness For Real said...

Wow what a great blog so perfect for today. I also struggle with food, sugar to be exact! I long for the day that I can be that healthy temple for the Lord. But I struggle like most women!

Thank you Bianca for your honesty and boldness and heart!

Anonymous said...

wow...i'm crying because it's so true. We only highlight was is good and have the bad take a back seat.

1717

Cindy A. said...

I love food a little too much.
I hate being single a little too much.
I am stingy with my money because I want to buy a house and I'm told that I'm a little too greedy.
I don't pray nearly as much as I should.
I lie a little too much and all those "littles" need to be "a lots."
I'm scared to let you know who I am.

Angel Pope said...

Hi, Bianca.

I struggle with my temper. I struggle being a mom. I am struggling trying to cope with a move last year that has rocked my world.

I struggle because I feel like a complete failure at everything. I struggle because the one thing I was truly good at was my job that I left behind, and that is scary and sad.

I struggle going forward every day. I want to be as good as your sister when it comes to photography and move forward with my talents, but I just can't get in the groove. I want to get out and shoot more but I can't even afford the professional glass to set me above the rest. I struggle because I want to go to workshops and learn from other photogs (like Jasmine) but WHO can afford that! I struggle because even if I could do that it would mean leaving my kids behind.

But I am thankful that I really don't struggle much with food. :-)

This may sound strange, because I truly don't believe "misery loves company," but it's encouraging to read that everyone struggles. Ack, that sounds so wrong, but do you get what I'm saying? Sometimes when we look around it seems that some people just REALLY have it together but in reality I think we all struggle.

I know I need to learn to lean on God more. I had a friend once who was going through an early term miscarriage and I remember her saying first thing after faced with her options "I need to pray first." I admire that because sometimes I just forget to go to Him FIRST!!!

Thanks, Bianca. You are a daily source of inspiration for me.

Anonymous said...

Hey B! You don't even know how much I appreciate and am blown away by your transparency. Its not easy at all, it takes courage and you're bold enough to do it! You encourage me to be the same. So I'm trying...to be REAL. As someone else commented, there is healing in confession. My struggle? I put myself first. For the first time I think I'm realizing the reality of it, as all these images and memories come to mind. What hurts the most is realizing that those images are the faces of my family. I'm self-centered and self-absorbed. Christ however is self-less. Being God and King he came to serve, even to wash feet! And I know this. I NEED His heart. Please pray for me. =)

Rebecca said...

Last night at youth group we broke up into small groups with our kids and talked about hypocrisy and what it means/looks like to ACTUALLY be who you are all the time. We talked about the benefits, the challenges, the ways we fail and succeed. It was an awesome conversation. I love those kids.

Living outside the frame is terrifying. Seriously scary. Something to work on every day.

On a side note, I'm into photography and have been following your sister's blog for a while now. I had no idea you two were related. It's obvious now that I know though! ;)

jenny said...

It's a beautiful thing when we realize His strength is made perfect in our weakness.


i like your blog!

Sare said...

I struggle constantly everyday and i never let anyone see it because i want them to see inside the frame where i'm okay and happy and enjoying life whilst outside the frame most of the time i simply struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I struggle with being single and being content in that when it seems everyone else i know is in a relationship and know that i need to trust our Lord in this

I struggle with how wonderful my sisters are and the feeling that i will never be like them, not as Godly, nor as beautiful or as special.

I struggle with feeling loved cause i feel like i don't deserve it

I'm that person who you can always count on to be there when you need it but struggle to trust anyone enough to let them do the same.

And right now i'm struggling to keep it together with tears pouring down my face.

Love u B even though we've never met

Katy said...

Just found your blog through your sister (love her photography and aspire to have work like hers some day), and you write beautifully. My struggle is to make God a priority in my life. I grew up in the church, my dad is the pastor of the church I attend, and most days I don't even make the time to pray. I make so many excuses...kids, husband, business, exercise, not enough sleep the night before, but I know there's a bigger problem. Commitment! It's so easy to "make a pact" or start something new and swear you're going to do it every day, but the follow through is what is so difficult for me. I heard it takes 21 days to start a habit..so how do I start my commitment to pray and read the word? I guess I should start with committing to a couple minutes a day and see where that takes me!

Bianca said...

Wow, I'm so moved by your honesty and stories.

I've decided that I'm putting post-it notes in my office with your prayer requests and struggles.

I love that we can admit that we are perforated and pock-marked yet still cling to Jesus. Christians have a skewed belief that we must be perfect and holy. NO. There's one person who is perfect and holy--unfortunately it's not me.

I love you all with a true, effecacious love.
:B

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

Being real and pulling down borders is sharing yourself...that true authenticity makes you more than just a bunch of words in cyberspace!

A favorite line from the movie PS I Love You is: "if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." You may feel all alone at times, but by sharing yourself, you'll realize just how many people feel the same way!

I struggle with obsessions over food, too much tv, cheesy novels, being "not enough", and my singleness. I'm so glad you've opened the dialog to us being "all together in that too."

megcady26 said...

So candid, so real, so raw, so impressed. I recently was called out for not being myself, for living with in the picture perfect (pardon the pun) frame work that I have created and photoshopped untill I am what I believe is the perfect me, not the real me. I struggle with having real true honest faith, I struggle with not having a boyfriend, I struggle with not being in control, sometimes honestly I struggle with struggling. I am ready to embrace my struggles my unphotoshopped pictures the real me the me that isn't perfect and doesn't have to be perfect. Thanks B, you are ALWAYS an encouragement to me.

Anonymous said...

I struggle with trying understand all those big words you write! :)

“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The “worst” is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.” -Lamentations 3:28-32 (Msg)

I shared a struggle with a girlfriend the other night and there is something about transperacy and authenticity that brings a breath of fresh air. I shared my heart that was filled with envy and jealousy. A longing to be in my career rather than home. A career I know God called me out of. A career in a industry that was dark and lost and self serving. Yet, I desired (desire) the glamour again. But I know it is false and it took a stronghold over me. I can't even call my girlfriends at work because it hurts so much.

I struggle with recognition. Wanting to be liked, loved, rewarded, acknowledged by others, and feeling down if they don't...and if we are being honest, worshipped by others. It is to the core, the absolute truth. And that is why God has called me to be alone...just with Him. God has given me a wonderful gift of public speaking and motivating people, I have spoken in front of thousands of people - but it was all in vain and not to God's glory. And while he has given me a renewed purpose and new vision in using this gift - now is not my time. And that hurts. I even had to unsubscribe to your blog because I held envy in my heart for you and others around me that God was using in a mighty way. I'm awful! Please forgive me! :) I have discussed this with my own husband and my girlfriends and I praise God for their hearts. But through it all, I am learning I need to desire HIS acknowledgement and affirmation alone. (okay, now I'm crying!)

I struggle with being whole again after throwing my marriage in the trash. I don't deserve the love my husband gives. I don't deserve the letters my girls write when they say I am the best mama on the block. I left them. Alone. Hurting. Broken. Scared. Crying. Screaming. Those images are etched in my mind. (Now they are looking at me making funny faces so I will stop crying! ;) Thank you, LORD!

Shall I go on...because we COULD talk about my patience (or lack their of!)...or my anger...haha! We are shipwrecked in the storm, but praise God He is our rescuer who brings life (and rainbows!)

In all my loss and pain and heartache and hang ups and mess ups, I know I am an "overcomer" because it is the Lord who allows the calamity for a purpose that far surpasses my knowledge. His love keeps me alongside Him. His love allows me to say, "I am broken." So that he can accomplish a purpose far beyond anything I could ask or think. To Him be the glory!

Much love,
Melissa R. ;)

rebeccannb said...

Great post... what do I struggle with hmmmm... insecurities, fears and not being in control. I also struggle at times with eating but on the side of there are many times that I don't have an appetite and I don't eat. When I am stressed the last thing I want is food... although I can down some chocolate! This is an everyday struggle... I know it will always be there BUT God through prayer and changing of habits (less stress in my life :)) my appetite has picked up so much more the past five months!

amarismarie said...

bianca,

i don't know how to thank you enough here in a brief comment.

and thank you seems so trite right now.

but i'm so grateful for your heart, your ministry here through your blog, and your the life you live truthfully in your community.

love,
Amaris

Anonymous said...

i can't believe we've been best friends for more of our lives than we haven't been and i had NEVER seen this photograph. now i see it twice in as many weeks?!
i love you. both. so much.
i'm so happy, not to mention proud of you, as we continue to grow closer and closer as decades-old walls begin to fall down.
xo til infinty, bestie.
i love you more than farmer's market paninis and orange italian fizz.
mella
p.s. you live in la mirada ;o)

Heather said...

I struggle with using food instead of dealing with things. So my weight goes up and down. And up and down. Right now I am going on a down. Obsessing with looking like most of my 26 year old friends whom never given birth to two kids! Living in Southern California comes with a whole new level of pressure to be a certain way. Too much pressure!!

I struggle with being a mom. My mom worked full time, she wasn't very maternal. Do not have any memory of her playing with us or taking us to a park. So now I struggle being a mom. Being loving, playful and silly. I have a short fuse and get frustrated easily. I feel like a failure as a mother.

I struggle with being ok that i don't really have a relationship with my family who live across the country. I am jealous of my sisters who are friends. Who talk and joke together. I am the outsider. I never talk to them. I rarely talk to my parents. It is just the normal for us. It is not want I want. I want more. How do you get more??

I struggle with finding friends. Real friends. I left my hometown almost 12 years ago. Haven't really found where I fit. It is hard. People come and go. My BFF lives 3000 miles away. It is very lonely.

It sucks to struggle and feel like you have to pretend to have it all together. It would be nice if more women expressed their struggles and realized it is OK. We can accept each other, support each other and travel this road together. Thanks Bianca for keeping it real!

Anonymous said...

I struggle and don't talk about it, but I will say it here as an anon and i don't know why. I hurt myself. I cut myself because it feels good. I am angry and never know why. I punch walls and have scars on my face from hitting things with my head. I just needed to put this out there, for me. God is really looking out for me though, I wouldn't be here if he wasn't, I'm just glad I'm not as bad as I used to be, God has helped me so far and maybe I can get better.

Matthew T. said...

That photo of the two of you, that's what I call memories to remember.

Everyone has their ups and downs it's how we deal with them that makes us better human beings.

I have some faults myself, like being naive and being too emotional at times.

Bianca said...

I've read every single word in every single comment and I'm blown away.

Thanks for keepin' it real, guys.

Post-it Love,
:B

Raquel said...

I write this as I down a bag of sunflower seeds. lol I get so mad when people tell me, "you won't understand me because your life is perfect and you are always so joyful." UH... buddy, you obviously don't know me.

I struggle with FOOD (what a rare issue) but not eating it, if you get me. Anorexia is definitely a stronghold in my life- but I don't share that with anyone other than my best friend. Up until last year I did not feel comfortable with sharing my God's story. Galatians 5:1

I am a shopaholic and I mean, even the dollar store will get me. Yesterday I walked into a store and I had myself convinced that I needed the $3.99 head scratcher. Very few people know that, but praise God who has placed awesome Pastor's Wives who keep me accountable with my finances. Matthew 6:19-21

I am sitting here going through my "rooms" and thinking, oh no, let me not even open that door, that room is too messy to write about.

A room that I need to invite you into is the one of guilt. This room in my heart is under construction... the Lord is dealing with me. I have accepted God's forgiveness yet I hold myself responsible for certain things and can't find the strength to let go and forgive myself. The Lord gave me Isaiah 40:1 recently.

so yea, these are some of the things I hide...

Nicole Monique said...

You are such an amazing human being! To put yourself out there and yet at the same time encourage others! I am so glad I found your blog (through your fab sister Jasmine) and I will continue to read it for daily inspiration. Thank you for being raw to the bone honest and thank you for speaking the words others are too afraid to speak.

Ana said...

I struggle with believing that God will make me the woman He wants me to be.

I'm so far from the woman I want to be.

I want to be a woman who just believes. Who reads God's WORD and wants to read more. Who prays for everyone all the time. Who is a wonderful example. Who shares the message that Jesus died for us on a cross. He lived 33 years and then He allowed Himself to be crucified for a stupid girl like me. A girl who makes so many mistakes she's lost count and who has virtually nothing to offer.

I'm not brilliant, beautiful and I don't have clever comments that mask who I am.

I just want to be a woman that Jesus is proud to call His own.

I want Him to smile and I want His heart to be happy for His goodness to me.

For His undying Faithfulness.

For who He is.

For What He does.

God doesn't have to bless me.

He doesn't even have to notice me, but He does.

Blessed be the Name of Jesus.

Pray for me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bianca,

time is often, that I am dreaming of a life without borders, but every single day in my life I hit a boarder. Sometimes it is ok and I can break through, but sometimes it is hard...I am searching my whole life for the right way, but I can't find him...I wish I could be so optimistic and strong in my religion.

Wish you all the best...

Markus :-)

Lindsay said...

Thanks for being so honest B!
I struggle with envy and jealousy. I struggle with wanting to show a clean, neat, prefect version of myself (especially when I cry so much at church at the moment. Snot and tears do not fit into this clean, neat picture!). I struggle with needing constant affirmation and approval from others.

It's hard but we can truly help, support and care for each other when we are real, true and honest.

melissa said...

Okay. so. Bianca.... I am imagining your office right about now - with post it notes everywhere. i have a feeling you will be swimming in a yellow sea of our struggles! i know you will lift up each person here, but what if each commenter ALSO came back and took on the person below them to pray ferverently for? or to simply pick someone else to pray for that we are ministered by and have a burden for?

i praise god, jesus is our intercessor and that we can come boldly to the throne on behalf of others.

Amy J. said...

I struggle with so many of the same things as many of the other women who have posted already. I use food as a comfort- if I am feeling stressed, dicsouraged, useless, etc, I turn to food. I struggle with feeling like I am a good mother. I want to be at home with my kids, but financial situation does not allow at this time. I want to trust God to work it out that I can, but it just isnt happening like I think it should. I struggle with being a good wife and friend to my husband. I struggle with being the woman God designed me to be- I have such low self esteem and self worth. I NEED to spend time alone with HIM, but let everything else take that time. I make so many excuses...

Lord, please help me to see myself as you see me. Please use me as you see fit and speak to me in a way I will know and understand. Please help me not to question you and what you want me to do. Amen

Diandra Ann said...

Wow Bi... who knew being real could be so powerful?? who you really are is amazing. who you really are is wonderful... who you really are is soooo worth talking about!
I love you... the real you... and I am sooo glad we are friends!

I have struggled with my weight (and not just eating but laziness as well) since I was in high school and moved to So Cal. I was never really aware of body image before that, and then it all became so clear. It's been a battle ever since.

I struggle with loneliness, even when I'm surrounded by people who love me.

And like you, I struggle with the picture. the picture of people thinking I have it all together and I'm perfect (or even somewhere near it), when inside some days I feel I'm falling apart.

amyeneal said...

Bianca,
thank you for your sweet response - totally made me cry, just that you would pray for us. you are right, you don't know me (I'm the rehab ex-pastors wife praying for a better 2010- gotta love that description! haha!) Anyways, we have mutual friends, which is how I found your blog! keep it up lady... much love!!!

The Montgomerys said...

What an amazing blog. I guess I struggle with the fact that I kind of lucked out in the pops department, meaning that my Dad would rather be drunk than in my life or my sister's life. Yup, not there ever--probably doesn't know when my bday is or cares, not at H.S graduation, College graduation, wedding, births of my kids...nope nothing. So I have trouble trusting people, anyone...I have nearly driven my husband away by not trusting him. God is healing my heart, and I am learning to trust. I just have an overwhelming, paralyzing fear of being abandoned and left. I am thankful that God is teaching me daily that he is my Father and loves me more than any earthly father ever could. I have given my hurt and broken heart to Him but it is still a struggle I have...I do hate it. It's good to now that even though we are broken, He still finds worth in us and loves us...and uses us anyways.

much love,
mon ;)

Anonymous said...

I struggle with not having motivation, bc it's what I believe to be at the root of the thing that haunts me the most. I never finished college and I never got a good enough job to help support my parents. I live comfortably and for the most part so do they. I help them as much as I can (read as much as they will let me). But I have always felt like a failure because I didnt do enough, now I'm in my mid thirties and I feel like its too late. I've been unemployed for the last year and will be a stay at home mom soon so its hubby's earned money that helps my parents now. While I dont feel like only college graduates can support their parents, I strongly believe it wouldve helped alot. I know this may sound lame bc I'm only in my 30's but still its too late to do what I shouldve done long ago.

I was going to publish as myself but fearing the criticism of non loving people or "the basher" got the best of me just now.

Amy C said...

I'm not sure this comment box is big enough for my struggles. I'm learning though...s...l...o...w...l...y. Right now some of my hardest challenges are balance and overeating.

I am working hard to balance my life and get my priorities where they should be. It is hard for me because they've been out of wack for over a year. My business took over my life and for some reason I went with it instead of putting up firm boundaries and following what the Lord had for my year.

Then...there's overeating. I am so frustrated with myself because I know I eat too much. I pledge not to everyday. And then I overeat...again, and again, and again. Lord, help me.

Ginette said...

This is my "learning" for this year I think too. To be REAL. To not put up the front of "perfect", but to share struggles with others. It is hard. To be real. Hard to admit we are less than we hope or want to be, but isn't that when the healing can start. If we don't see our struggles, our pain, our weakness, then how can we bring it to God for HIM to help us? We can't do it by ourselves. I can't anyway. SO THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU. REAL YOU. THE ONE GOD MADE AND LOVES, issues and all. It is a blessing to all of us who read.

I guess I can't sign off without sharing mine.

I struggle with perfectionism. In the worst way. I am always disappointed in myself and in others that they don't live up to an impossible standard I set for them. Every day I have to wake up and remind myself that perfection is for God ONLY. EVERY DAY. And every day I TRY to celebrate the imperfections....the moments when I am not what I want to be...cause it is only then am I giving myself to God. WHOLE. Every day I have to remind myself that He makes everything GLORIOUS...and he made me....just the way I am, struggles, imperfections and all.

Thanks Bianca for sharing your gift of writing with us. What a blessing.

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